Went to see my girlfriend last night, and we came to the conclusion the last time we saw each other was somewhere in April. We don’t live close by, so weekdays are not really an option, and the weekends, well, I kept those free in case the Mister decided he would do me the favor to come over. How stupid is that? Sometimes he promised to come, and then on Friday night a text message (yeah he got this thing for not talking I guess, prefers email and texts) that he was too tired. And I understood, I really did. At least I told him I did, cause if not he would be pissed off. But isn’t it true that when you really love someone, it doesn’t matter how tired you are, you just take that extra train ride and be tired with the one you love? Maybe I have truly been blind and didn’t notice the obvious signs. The signs that were saying I wasn’t really a priority. And as the saying goes, ‘if you can’t be a priority, don’t be an option’.
So my friends took me out for a wonderful dinner, with lots of good wine and great food. And I had fun, and laughed, and there were a few minutes I wasn’t thinking about him. But it’s amazing how your mind is able to keep coming back to what hurts you so much. It just won’t let me forget it seems. It’s always in the background, a dull feeling of carrying some extra weight, dragging you down. And every so often it just slaps you in the face, like no-no, don’t have fun, you can’t, you’re sad. A sharp pain, reminding you of what you miss.
But I learned something from last time. Oh yeah did I already mention this is the second time he does this? Ending the relationship by email? Yes it’s true, he really did. And I know, maybe it was a bit stupid to believe this wouldn’t happen again. But hey, I’m not known for making the smartest choices. Anyway, I learned something from last time, and that it is to go through every emotion and all the pain I feel. Don’t numb it, don’t try to fill this void too fast. My practice taught me to just feel it, and accept it. This is just how it is, this is now, don’t run or hide, live through it. So I do. And I don’t really care that the world sees my sadness. This is me, and I’m perfect. Everything is perfect.
Want to finish this with a little story from last night, when I learned that some people are just truly kind. I took the train yesterday, and I’m not too good with train rides to begin with. But lately my panic attacks are back, and I can’t handle crowded places. And of course, the train was packed! So I decided I had two choices, go home and be alone for the evening, or just go sit in first class, even though I only had a normal ticket. So I opted for the last plan and sat first class. When the ticket inspector came by I called him over, and asked for an extra ticket for first class, explaining about my panic attacks and the crowded train. The man looked at me and said well, an extra ticket is 35 euro, so we’re not gonna do that. Just stay here and be safe. And then I cried. Thank you sir, for being kind to a random stranger.