Falling

I know I haven’t been updating, and I’m warning you, this ain’t gonna be a cheery post. I am falling down, fast. No energy left it seems. I still workout, but it isn’t fun anymore. Yoga has been a while cause I keep crying on the mat. Still no job, and the loneliness is getting more and more painful. Not to mention the constant rejections. I get out of bed, but keep wondering why, for what. Panic attacks are getting worse, so now I just start the day with some Xanax. And the damn tears, they just wont stop.

Talked to my therapist yesterday, she suggested meds again, but for now I don’t want them, I’m extremely sensitive to side effects, and last time I tried them I almost threw myself in front of a truck. Not good. So what we did decide is that as of next week I’m gonna spend a few mornings at group. Nothing special, just talking, and after that we can enjoy (not!) some time putting little beads on mirrors or making stupid clay figures. The clay hammering was fun though. I quit after a few weeks cause I felt I wasn’t in a very bad state anymore, and I started to get nightmares from the stories other people were telling. Figured there were people who needed that spot more than me. After all, I was just suffering from a broken heart. Not hearing voices in my head or something,

But for now it seems like a good idea, just to get me out of the house and with other people. Cause let me tell you, the days are endless when you don’t talk to anyone, or worse, share your story with every salesperson who is being nice to you.

I feel weak that I have let it come this far again, but I can’t seem to pick myself up and climb out of this. I just can’t, I’m stuck. A job would be of great help but other than sending out 8 resumes a day I can’t do much else in that department.

I wonder why other people seem to recover so much faster than I do. I guess working helps, and having money to spoil yourself a bit. Things I don’t have. Combined with the stress of job hunting and paying the bills ( I can’t) it’s just too much. Even the damn closure ritual I did two days ago didn’t help much. Yeah I came back frozen, but that was it. And I know some people who read this might sigh and think come on girl, it’s not the end of the world. But for me it feels like it is.

I might need a good hard kick in the ass as some people say, but I think I need the Universe to give me a sign that it will be okay, after all, in the end.

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