I used to look forward to the weekend, like most people I’m sure. Now, those two days are the worst of the week. I can’t even stand cheery people in the gym on Friday wishing each other a great weekend. Last night I went to bed at nine, cause even after an hour of refreshing Facebook there was still no one to talk to. But of course that also meant I woke up at 5, and believe me, at 5 o’clock Sunday morning there sure ain’t no one to talk to. Well except for my cats. Old one is getting worse and worse, she keeps screaming for food, and I already give her three packs a day. Don’t know what to do with her; she doesn’t seem to be in pain but I can’t be sure.

I so desperately need something to lift me out of this depression, but nothing seems to work. Got a callback on Friday, they want me back for a second interview, which is good news but I couldn’t even be the slightest bit happy about it. As soon as I hung up the phone this black cloud of loneliness and depression was back again. Friday night I went kickboxing, just a free introduction class. That felt good, my shins are bruised and I tore a muscle somehow, but I take that over feeling nothing any day. Yesterday morning early bootcamp training, but with my sore muscles that didn’t go too well. Unable to get warm and when sprinting my left quad started to cramp up so I had to stop. But it was nice to be around people.

In the afternoon I went for a quick market visit with a friend, and there I went again, tears all over the damn place. How many tears does one person have anyway. Went home, downed a bottle of wine, spent an hour refreshing FB looking for someone to talk to, deleted all the ex his emails while crying my eyes out and went to bed. Oh and in the meantime cleaning the floor cause the old lady has been peeing on it constantly. Don’t know whats up with her, litter box is clean so that can’t be the problem. Woke up at 5 and now trying to get through another day.

I look outside and see all the cheery Holiday season lights already up. Now December was never one of my faves, I don’t like Christmas and I’ve been known to spend New Years Eve in bed, at 10, with earplugs. I always get extra sentimental at the end of yet another year. There’s something melancholic about closing another year, and thinking about what could have been and what didn’t work out. When I was younger I was always looking forward to a new year and a fresh start. But after years of friends sending me cheer up messages at 24.00, ‘Jos this is going to be your year’, I’m over that it seems. So just to get me through that month I volunteered to help with Christmas dinner for the homeless. Rather do something for people who are worse off than me.

PS: reading this again it looks like meds might be a good option after all. Cause I’m really in a bad state it seems. And when you can’t even see the slightest hint of light, even though I’m trying hard, what else can you do?


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