And the second day of Christmas

Woke up a few hours ago and now starting to get an anxiety attack. Actually, not starting, right in the middle of full-blown panic. I hate that, took half a Xanax already but it’s not helping yet. I guess it’s a combination of all the stress, Christmas without the one I wanted so much to spent it with, the loneliness and this stupid fear of dying alone that I am developing lately.

Yesterday was okay I guess, went over to my dad with my brother and grandma, and cooked some dinner. Nothing fancy. I used to make the most excellent 4 course meals but  wasn’t in the mood for that. Plus I am very tired and still a bit sick due to the meds. So we just had a quiet day, watching some television. I feel a bit bad that I wasn’t very good company, but I can’t really help myself, I try, really I do, but those cheesy Christmas songs are making me tear up. I know it’s quite sad, but I still so desperately want him to show up at my doorstep and tell me everything will be all right.. But I know that will never happen, not for a second time, I know him too well. And it is breaking my heart, every time I think about it, again and again. Yes, letting go is the hardest thing to do, and I am especially bad at that part.

Later this day I will be helping out at the elderly home. It feels good to do that, but a big part of me just wants to spend this day at my dads couch again, and be with my family. Gives me a bit of a safe feeling. But I promised I would help and can’t let them down. Maybe I will go over later this evening, if I get home in time.

Hope you all have a wonderful day, and I hope and pray my next Christmas will be better than this one.

 

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