Updating again

I’m so very sorry for not writing, but in my own way I’ve been a bit busy. Busy finding a job of course, without any luck I might add. And busy with volunteering, which I really enjoy. Working at the homeless shelter is altering the way I look at life, and people in general. I don’t do much actually, I mean it’s not really work. We drink coffee (preferably with speed lol, well not for me), read the papers, play games and chat a bit. And we laugh a lot, even though most of the people there come from a shitty background, lost everything precious in their lives, and struggle with drug and alcohol addiction. But yes we have fun. And there is sadness, cause we lost three people already this year.

What else, I quit smoking for a week, then started again when the ex-bastard decided to call me out of the blue, for a shitty reason. That is a bullshit excuse but hey, I am not pretending to be perfect. I also quit eating meat and started to eat vegan, which I enjoyed at first, but after a few weeks I noticed I was starting to lack energy, so now I eat fish or meat once a week. I stuff myself with all kinds of beans, quinoa and vegetables, and I like that it makes me feel lighter somehow.

Practice is going great. For the last week I did full Primary every day, and I am thrilled to see so much improvement. My binds are getting deeper, and I can feel the backbends having its effect on me. Meditation practice also going well; I can sit longer, keep my eyes shut and not repeat shopping lists in my head to pass the time. Gym is a whole different story, don’t know why, but the thought of lifting is not appealing to me anymore.. Whenever I do get to the gym, I just go through my usual routine, but I don’t enjoy it anymore, like I used to. I mean the gym was my bloody life! Not sure why I suddenly don’t feel like it anymore. Must give that some more thought. Friday night kickboxing is still great though, wish I could go more often. Oh if only I had the money 🙂

Well, time for bed, leaving you with some food for thought.

Death. “Encouraging Words” by Zen Master Guishan

Some day you will die.
Lying on your sick bed about to breathe your last, you will be assailed by every kind of pain,
Your mind will be filled with fears and anxieties and you will not know where to go or what to do. Only then you will realize you have not practiced well.
The skandhas/aggregates (matter, sensations, conceptions, impulses and consciousness) and the four elements in you will quickly disintegrate, and your consciousness will be pulled wherever your ancient, twisted karma leads it.
Impermanence does not hesitate.

Death will not wait.
You will not be able to extend you life by even a second.
How many thousands times more will you have to pass through the gates of birth and death.

If these words are challenging, even insulting, let them be an encouragement for you to change.
Practice heroically
Do not accumulate unnecessary possessions.
Don’t give up.
Still your mind, end wrong perceptions, concentrate and do not run after the objects of your senses.
Practice diligently.
Be determined not to let your days and months pass by wastefully.

Progressing

Yes yes, still doing good with the resolutions. Daily yoga and meditation, although I skipped Wednesday cause I went out to lunch, which ended with lots of wine and bed at 8.00. Oh but I did manage to get in some morning meditation. Gym two times, not too bad, although I skipped the third workout today, cause I woke up with a huge zit on my face. And yes, I’m vain like that and didn’t want to go out. Instead I attacked the little (?!) bastard with aspirin masks and aloe vera all day. First full Primary of the week today, and it went really well. Amazing to see how much I am still progressing. My jump backs still suck though 🙂 And I fell flat on my face when trying to straighten my legs in side crow yesterday. But hey, that’s the fun in practice.

What else, oh yes, tonight I will smoke my last ever cigarette. I’m sick of it, really. My house stinks, my clothes, my hair, my skin is a mess and even my cat’s pretty white coat is turning yellow. At least I think it does. So I’m done. And it’s gonna be damn hard, but I must do this. Cause I am basically killing myself with this habit. I like to think that my practice is giving me enough strength to get through this. This time for good.

Good things, or getting back on track

So far, I’ve been good! Friday I did the shortened Primary again, and finally my beloved kickboxing class. I can’t even explain how I need those, it’s really the only hour I don’t think at all, yeah I think about the combinations, but nothing more, I love it, wish I was able to go more often. Saturday was for full Primary, which went amazingly well. Do need to work on my jump backs, cause I still can’t manage them. But it will come, in time.

And today I did two short but sweet bodyweight workouts, and the shortened Primary again. Also, lots and lots of meditation. Can I say I’m starting to feel better again? More alive? More, filled with hope maybe? Who knows, I won’t be jumping to conclusions. Off to bed now, more tomorrow. Oh, skipped one gym workout this week, bad! Must fit in three next week otherwise I will mess up my routine.

The resolutions

Just a quick update on how I’m keeping up with my resolutions. Well, actually, I’m doing really good. On Monday I did an hour of yoga, and 2 x 15 minutes meditation. Tuesday back/biceps at the gym, a short arm balancing practice and some more meditation. Wednesday was for full Primary (oh, such joy), a looooong meditation and an oil bath. Felt Zen-like the rest of the night. Today gym again, chest/triceps, and a shortened Primary by David Swenson. Oh and of course meditation.

Quit the diet coke, do have the odd cup of coffee sometimes, but not every day. Eating less meat is going well, I start to enjoy the salads, raw vegetables, beans and grains. It may be too early, but I seem to feel a calmness coming back over me. Which is good.

Oh and Casey, I do smile every day, thanks for reminding me 😉

Another new year

Yes, I know, it has been a while. Mainly because I didn’t have anything new or even positive to talk about. And why bother people with endless crying and whining. No, I haven’t found a job yet, yes, I still mourn my lost love, and yes, I still have financial troubles and I also still smoke.

But I figured, at least I can try to make some positive changes. So some things I took up again:

– no more coffee or diet coke, that caffeine is aggravating my panic attacks

– daily meditation, at least 15 minutes

– daily yoga, preferably the Ashtanga Primary Series

– cut back on meat and start to eat more raw food, maybe vegan even

– get my exercise routine back on track, that is if I can still afford the gym

– cut back on smoking and quit as soon as I feel like I’m able too

Let’s see how that goes. It’s hard, really really hard, but as the saying goes, at least I can fake it till I make it.

And the second day of Christmas

Woke up a few hours ago and now starting to get an anxiety attack. Actually, not starting, right in the middle of full-blown panic. I hate that, took half a Xanax already but it’s not helping yet. I guess it’s a combination of all the stress, Christmas without the one I wanted so much to spent it with, the loneliness and this stupid fear of dying alone that I am developing lately.

Yesterday was okay I guess, went over to my dad with my brother and grandma, and cooked some dinner. Nothing fancy. I used to make the most excellent 4 course meals but  wasn’t in the mood for that. Plus I am very tired and still a bit sick due to the meds. So we just had a quiet day, watching some television. I feel a bit bad that I wasn’t very good company, but I can’t really help myself, I try, really I do, but those cheesy Christmas songs are making me tear up. I know it’s quite sad, but I still so desperately want him to show up at my doorstep and tell me everything will be all right.. But I know that will never happen, not for a second time, I know him too well. And it is breaking my heart, every time I think about it, again and again. Yes, letting go is the hardest thing to do, and I am especially bad at that part.

Later this day I will be helping out at the elderly home. It feels good to do that, but a big part of me just wants to spend this day at my dads couch again, and be with my family. Gives me a bit of a safe feeling. But I promised I would help and can’t let them down. Maybe I will go over later this evening, if I get home in time.

Hope you all have a wonderful day, and I hope and pray my next Christmas will be better than this one.

 

On the first day of Christmas

I am watching my all time favorite Christmas movie, The Witches. And I cry. Cause I had a different Christmas in mind. But the Universe had other thoughts about that.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Christmas, together with your loved ones. Tell the most important people in your life how much you love them, and appreciate them. Be grateful. And feel loved. Namaste.