Second day

Took the whole 5M this morning, and I don’t feel so hot. Well actually I do, hot flashes again, foggy head, no focus or concentration and nauseous. Thoughts and worries are racing through my mind and I can’t seem to stop them. Typing this is hard cause my hands are shaking. And I’m supposed to cook dinner for Christmas Eve, oh the joy. Hanging in there though, it’s for a good cause.

Update day one

So, after a few hours I took the second quarter of the pill, so at full 5 mg now. I think it has been 5 hours, and I can’t say I feel very bad. Just no appetite at all, which I can’t really use cause I’m too skinny already, hot flushes and chills, burning legs, dizzy and of course the fog in my head. Trying to remember if those effects got worse on the second and third day, but I can’t recall it. I’m curious how sleep will be tonight, cause on the Zoloft I didn’t sleep for more than an hour the first days. Can’t remember how it was on Lex. But the last time on Lex I was such a mess (blame the bastard, was the first time he dumped my by email..two weeks before Christmas!) that I really can’t recall much anyway. Just that it aggravated my panic attacks a lot, which was awful.

Oh and I really, really want to take a long hot shower. But I can’t, they fixed the plumbing today and I can’t use the shower for 24 hours. I hate that!

 

Preparing for a hell of ride

So, as you might have noticed, I was slipping further and further into this depression (Wait, what? You’re kidding me right, I thought you were feeling waaaay better lol), my therapist and I decided we should be getting back on the good old meds again. 5 mg of Lexapro, took that before and, as opposed to the Zoloft I took once, it didn’t gave me these weird thoughts whenever I saw a tree, a speeding car or a train. Or a bottle of pills.

Now 10 mg is the usual start-up dose, but as I am very small and very very med sensitive, I started at 5. Sick as a dog for a week, hot flashes, sweating, fog in my head, and sometimes so high I felt (and looked I guess) like I was speeding my brains out on a shitload of coke. So this time, after staring at that little pill, cut in half (they only come in 10 mg) all morning, I decided to take it slow and start at 2.5. Took a knife and cut it down. Now it has been half an hour since I took that tiny little crumb, and I can already feel it, my legs are getting hot, my mouth is dry, I’m dizzy and I can feel the fog in my head coming up.

Will see what happens as the day goes by, and if I feel good I will take the next 2.5 in the afternoon. After all, I can’t feel much worse than I did the last couple of days.

Christmas

Yes, almost Christmas. And no not very much looking forward to it. This is a very bad time to be alone, with all the happiness and cheery families slapping you in the face. Think I read somewhere that suicide rates go up around this time of the year, and I can understand why. But do not worry, I got no plans in that direction. For the first time in all my 42 years I bought myself a small Christmas tree, and I enjoy looking at my cat trying to slap the decorations out of it. However, there are still nights I sit next to that tree and cry.

It’s hard trying to stay positive when things aren’t looking good at all. No luck with jobs, and instead of a Christmas bonus I got me some extra bills I wasn’t expecting. I did manage to get some volunteer work, so once I week I spend a few hours serving dinner and talking to the demented elderly here in town. And a few mornings I help out at a homeless shelter. Thank God for being able to do something again, even though it doesn’t pay my bills. The homeless thing might be a good choice, as I might end up there myself if I don’t find a paid job fast.

What else, oh yes Christmas, well first day I’m going to my dad, making dinner for him and my brother, nothing fancy, haven’t really thought about what I will be making. Second day I’ll be working at the nursing home. Isn’t doing good supposed to bring you good? Well fingers crossed then. Oh, and Merry Christmas!

Rejected, again

Yeah well what can I say. Didn’t get the job. They thought I wasn’t a good listener. I believe I am but hey, whats the point. Off to spend this weekend in bed, I am so sick and tired off all this rejection crap. I don’t know what the fuck I have to do anymore. Can’t even write, too pissed off and can’t see shit cause the tears are falling again. So, no clue when I will be back. Or when this shitstorm will  pass.

Memories

This time of the year makes me reminisce a lot. Well, this time of the year and the fact that  I have all the time in the world of course. It’s strange that every stupid store I pass, every tune I hear, or even movie I see, everything reminds me of the earlier times, when everything was so different. When I was happy. I keep hanging on to those memories, cause there aren’t any new, happier memories to fill their place. Which makes me wonder why I can only be happy when there’s someone else in my life. It’s almost as if I haven’t got reasons to exist on my own. Which is of course really stupid, cause if you don’t love yourself how can you blah blah blah you know the drill. Also, I found out, it’s never good to let someone else play too big a part in your life, Cause when it falls apart, you have nothing left.

Anyway, some positive things (besides that I haven’t contacted ex for two weeks), my arm balances are going amazingly well! Can hold most of the poses for much longer, without falling on my face. I still smoke, and a lot too, but I picked a new stopping date and that will be tomorrow night, Starting the dreaded December month without cigs. And I have a second interview tomorrow, so I could use all your positive energy. Light candles, say a prayer, anything 🙂 Kickboxing classes are amazing, so good for letting go of some stress, well at least for an hour. And yesterday I had a great workout at the gym, for the first time in weeks. Oh, and the editor loved my first article, too bad it isn’t getting paid though.